A Unique Way To Manage a Difficult Relationship

At some point in your career or life, someone will really get under your skin.

It happened to me.

A person constantly triggered me by interrupting conversations, challenging decisions, and bringing discussions back to what wasn’t working.

Before they spoke, I braced myself. Sometimes I accommodated them, hoping they would cooperate. Other times, I pushed back sharply. Afterward, I replayed the exchange until I felt drained.

After months of frustration, I wondered: Were my efforts helping us work together, or keeping us stuck?

That question gave me a useful starting point.

Follow the Trigger With Curiosity

The Five Whys is a technique that helps you look beneath a problem's surface. You ask why something is occurring, then use each answer to shape the next question.

The Five Whys are a guide, not a required number of questions. The goal is to uncover something you didn't see before about how you are approaching the problem, so you can find something fresh to work with.

Here’s how I used it in this situation.

1. Why does this person trigger the worst in me?

Because they disrupt discussions. I feel like I’m fighting to keep the conversation productive.

2. Why does it feel like a fight?

Because of their history, I expect this person to cause problems. Whatever they say, I’m already preparing to defend myself or manage their reaction.

3. Why am I expecting problems before they even speak?

Because I see them as disruptive. I’ve stopped expecting them to contribute anything useful.

4. Why has their disruptiveness become the main thing I see?

Because their behavior feels like a threat to my ability to get things done.

5. Why am I treating their behavior as such a big threat?

Because I see them as someone working against me, rather than someone whose behavior needs addressing and whose contributions may still have value.

That was my discovery: I had let their most frustrating behavior become their whole identity.

Relate With A Deeper Understanding

That realization didn’t make their interruptions acceptable. It helped me separate their objections from how they expressed them. Asking them to be respectful didn't mean their concerns weren't valid.

I wondered what contributions and value I had stopped seeing in this person because I was always bracing for trouble.

The next time we spoke, I said I was open to their concerns and asked them to let me and others finish our thoughts. Then we could examine their objections alongside everyone else’s ideas.

The Five Whys didn’t change this person. It changed how I viewed them, approached them, and gave us a better chance to have a productive conversation.

Turn Your Insight Into Action

Think of someone who triggers you.

1. Ask why their behavior affects you.
2. Follow your answers with openness and curiosity until you come to a realization.
3. Before your next interaction, remember one strength or contribution alongside the specific behavior that bothers you.
4. Notice how holding both in mind changes your approach.

We don’t have to like someone’s behavior to recognize their strengths. And we don’t have to wait for them to change before we can choose a more constructive way to interact with them.

Try not to let your triggers throw you off course. Use the Five Whys to get to the root of your reactions. Empower yourself to make the relationship more productive in spite of your triggers, not less.

Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership/Executive Coach

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