Are You Following Rules That No Longer Fit?

Have the answers.

Say yes to opportunity.

Work harder than everyone else.

Go it alone.

Nobody handed you these rules. You learned them through experience, expectations, and whatever helped you succeed or protect yourself.

At one time, they worked beautifully. Solving problems earned you a promotion. Going it alone taught you to trust yourself when support wasn’t available.

But sometimes our rules need updating.

When More Effort Gets Fewer Results

Rules structure our lives. They guide choices, shape habits, and influence what we believe is possible. Follow them without questioning, and we create the same familiar results.

We can’t change the past. But we can revise the rules we carry into our future.

Imagine a leader who built her reputation on self-sufficiency. Now she leads a department but still makes decisions without seeking input. Her colleagues feel excluded. She feels burdened and unsupported.

Her unspoken rule: “Things always go better when I handle them myself.”

It helped her build confidence. Now it limits the cooperation and perspective her new responsibilities require.

At home, she turns down help, then resents having to do everything.

The rule is so familiar she barely notices she’s following it.

Catch the Rule Behind the Reaction

Notice where you keep trying harder but feel less effective, satisfied, or connected.

Ask: What am I telling myself I have to do? What do I fear would happen if I didn’t?

Listen for always, never, and should.

“I should be able to handle this” might reveal a belief that asking for help means weakness.

Why Changing Feels So Personal

Questioning a rule can feel like questioning the person you’ve worked to become.

If you ask for help, are you losing your independence? If you change direction or perspective, were those years of effort wasted?

It’s tempting to hold on because you’ve invested so much. But continuing won’t make that investment more worthwhile if the rule keeps taking you somewhere you no longer want to go.

You can appreciate what worked before while choosing what serves you now.

How To Rewrite the Rules

Ask what your rule helped you accomplish or avoid, and what it’s costing you now. Then update it to support what you want next. Here are some examples:

• “Finish what you start” becomes “I can reassess commitments when circumstances change.”
• “Challenge authority” becomes “I can question a decision without assuming it’s wrong.”
• “Never disappoint anyone” becomes “I can care without meeting every expectation.”
• “Win the argument” becomes “I can stand up for my perspective and stay open to what I’m missing.”
• “Never let anyone see you struggle” becomes “I can ask for support before I’m overwhelmed.”

Practice

Try revising one rule this week. Notice how applying it changes your thoughts, words, and actions.

It may feel uncomfortable. Let the results, rather than discomfort alone, help you decide what to adjust.

Your rules shape your career, relationships, and everyday life. They deserve your attention.

You don’t need to defend every past choice by repeating it.

Let your experience inform your next chapter. But also give yourself permission to make different choices that fit who you are becoming.

What rule are you willing to rewrite first?

Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership/Executive Coach

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