At work, we hope everyone brings their best. Most days, they do. And then there are days they don't. Someone gets defensive, blames others, or reacts to every friction point like it’s personal.
Sometimes that “someone” is another person. Sometimes it’s us.
I've noticed that anger is often a reaction to this difficult realization: “I don’t have control.”
While anger feels and looks powerful, underneath, it’s the nervous system scrambling to regain control over what's uncertain, unfair, or out of reach.
To Be Angry Is To Be Human
Most of us have been on both sides:
- You’re the one who’s angry—and later you wish you handled it better.
- You’re the one receiving someone else’s anger—and you’re trying not to shrink, snap, or shut down.
Anger can rise quickly without warning. We can't always stop it, but we can shape what it becomes. Anger is a normal emotion. The goal isn’t to get rid of it (that’s not realistic). It's to recover faster.
The energy of anger doesn't disappear. The question is whether it's allowed to escalate minor irritations into major issues that erode trust, or whether it's used to drive clarity and action.
Anger isn't the problem. It's what we do with it.
3 Reasons We Get Angry
Understanding what anger is protecting helps you address the root cause rather than just blowing off steam.
1) Circumstances outside your control
Budget cutbacks. Unrealistic timelines. Decisions made above you, around you, without you.
This kind of anger often comes from the disappointment and loss that happens the moment you realize, “This isn’t how I wanted it to go.” And you can't change it. Here, acceptance is key.
2) People outside your control
A leader suddenly changes the plan. A teammate drops the ball. A coworker gets personal.
This anger stems from an unmet need for respect, reliability, or safety. We often try to force people to align with how we want them to behave. In this instance, making clear requests is the solution.
3) The follow-through gap (within your control, but hard to execute consistently)
A conversation you keep delaying. A boundary you keep softening. A helpful process you haven’t initiated.
This kind of anger turns inward: “Why can’t I just do what I know I need to do?” In these moments, we need to give ourselves a break with less self-criticism and add more structure to stay on track.
A Better Way To Work With Anger
Treat anger as information instead of an opportunity to vent:
- What feels out of control right now?
- What feels unjust?
- What would a strong response look like that doesn't escalate the moment? (accept, request, structure)
That’s the shift. Not “How do I get rid of anger?” but “How do I get back on track?”
Anger doesn’t mean you, your team, or your coworkers are unprofessional. It doesn’t mean the culture is broken or unjust. It means people are just being human in a high-stakes environment.
When anger flares, remember you still have a choice. A choice to clarify, repair, and bring the temperature back down.
So yes, let’s commit to being our best at work. But let’s do it with a little humility, too: not as people who never get reactive when control is lost or an injustice is revealed… but as people who are practicing how to recover well and helping others do the same.
Jo-Aynne
Knowing isn't doing. Turn your goals into action. 👇
Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership/Executive Coach
www.readysetmore.com
