As a leader or person of influence, have you ever noticed how fast your mind moves when someone brings you a problem?
Someone starts talking about an issue or a messy situation, and before they finish, you’re already diagnosing, organizing, and mapping the next best step.
It makes sense because you can do that. Problem-solving is one of your strengths. It’s likely part of why people rely on you. You bring clarity to situations, enabling things to happen.
But here’s the problem-solver problem:
When you move to “help” too quickly, your help can backfire. People can feel managed rather than supported. Then trust quietly erodes.
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do isn’t to solve. It’s to listen.
As a coach, I’ve had to learn this the hard way: the moment I start problem-solving is often the moment I stop listening.
No Listening = No Learning
When you stop truly hearing the other person, not just their words, but what’s underneath, you start operating with incomplete data. You think they’re bringing you one thing, but it's actually another:
- uncertainty, not a technical issue
- discouragement, not confusion
- fear, not resistance
- a desire for ownership, not rescue
So even brilliant advice can miss the mark… because it’s addressing the wrong problem.
That’s why timing matters.
The “help” someone needs first is typically... space. Space to say it out loud, to find the real issue, and to feel like they’re not a project.
When we skip that, we unintentionally send messages like: Your feelings are inconvenient. Your process is too slow. Your uncertainty needs to be fixed.
People may nod along to your suggestions or advice, but inwardly, they are pulling back.
Trust Is True Influence
If you want to help someone, it starts with trust, not your brilliance. Trust grows in safety.
When people feel they can come to you as they are, without being immediately corrected, optimized, or rescued, something powerful happens: They open up, think more clearly, become more honest, and often find their next step.
Without that safety, their trust in you doesn’t grow, and neither does their own strength. Once someone decides you’re not a safe place to be human, they’ll stop bringing you what matters most.
The Damage It Does to Teams
In leadership, this “fix-it” reflex creates three predictable outcomes:
- People speak up less. Instead, they delay until the problem becomes urgent.
- People take less ownership. They won’t take the initiative because they know you will.
- People become cautious. They offer passive agreement to avoid being managed.
A Simple Upgrade
The goal isn’t to stop being a problem-solver. It’s to stop solving too soon. Solving is more effective when someone feels heard. The next time someone comes to you, seek to listen first and solve second with one of these responses:
- “Do you want me to listen, help you think, or help you decide?”
- “What is most confusing or frustrating right now?”
- “Help me better understand what’s happening.”
You’ll still be a leader and a person of influence, but also something rarer. A person whom others trust with the truth... before they trust you with the solution.
You can be that person.
Jo-Aynne
Knowing isn't doing. Turn your goals into action. 👇
Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership/Executive Coach
www.readysetmore.com
