When Guilt Starts Running Your Workday

Last week, we looked at anger and the trap of using fear and threats to create accountability.

This week, let’s look at a quieter but no less disruptive emotion: Guilt.

Guilt has an upside. It can remind us what's important: being responsible, generous, and dependable.

The downside is that guilt can also make us say yes when we mean no, take on work that isn’t ours, avoid delegating, or put everyone else’s priorities ahead of our own.

The results can look admirable from the outside, but inside, they don't feel so admirable. They feel like an overload.

Guilt and People-Pleasing

A capable manager with a full calendar is asked by a colleague for help with a project. Her boss asks for help with something that shouldn’t take too long. A team member asks her to review work they could probably handle themselves.

The manager says yes to all three. Later she tells me: “I know I’m taking on too much, but I feel terrible saying no."

I ask: “What are you concerned will happen if you say no? What negative outcome are you trying to protect yourself from?”

She thinks for a moment. “I don't want to disappoint anyone. Also, I don't want to look selfish. I want people to know they can count on me.”

There’s the conflict. She wants to be dependable. But guilt is pushing her toward a strategy that will eventually make her less dependable.

When Helping Doesn't Help

Every yes has a cost. This manager will have to work later, her own priorities will get pushed aside, and she'll likely become resentful. She'll rush through important work because she's taken on too much responsibility.

Eventually, something will slip. The very strategy she uses to prove she's reliable begins undermining her reliability.

The problem isn’t that she cares about other people or wants to do a good job. The problem is that guilt is deciding how she should go about it.

Feelings Are Information, Not Instructions

Guilt may contain useful information: I care about the outcome. I want to contribute. I don’t want to disappoint someone who matters to me.

But you don't have to follow guilt’s instruction to always say yes, to fix it, take it on, and not let anyone down. Instead, pause long enough to ask:

1. What is this guilt telling me matters?
2. What am I afraid will happen if I say no?
3. What response would allow me to be helpful without abandoning my own priorities?

Instead of saying yes, you could offer 15 minutes to talk someone through a problem instead of taking it on. You could agree to help only if another priority is downgraded. Or you can admit you don't have the capacity to do something well right now.

None of this is selfish. It’s honest.

Choose the Responsibility That Is Actually Yours

One of the hardest lessons for conscientious people to learn is that being responsible doesn't mean being responsible for everything.

You can feel guilty and still choose the discomfort of letting others down in order to do your best work.

We can't choose our emotions, but we can choose what we do regardless of what we feel. Feelings are information that can guide us to what's important. They aren't instructions for how to behave.

With guilt, the goal isn't to become less caring. It’s to care with enough clear-headedness that your help is sustainable.

You can do it.

Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership/Executive Coach

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